I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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