I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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