the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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