I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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