So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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