she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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