even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
