I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
