On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
