Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
