Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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