you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
