just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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