I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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