Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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