If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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