Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
