How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
