That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
