I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
