You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
