your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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