dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You made out with two different species that night
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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