I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
