I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
whose parrot is this?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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