think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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