someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
