Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
