my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
