I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
