i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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