dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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