its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
