A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
