when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
