Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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