not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
