I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Be still, my beating vagina.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
