masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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