She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
