If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
