Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
