he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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