Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
