this boner is exhausting
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
