Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
