At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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