News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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