I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
