So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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