...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
