i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
